The Surreptitious To Raising Happy Kids: Don't Focus On Happiness

{I institute that the metro to raising happy kids is, ironically, past times focusing less on happiness. As I explore this theme to a greater extent than deeply, I realized at that spot was something to a greater extent than I wanted for my kids}

Remember how y'all felt when your kids were babies as well as they would cry? Other people mightiness endure bothered past times crying, but nosotros moms are undone by our babies' crying. I call upward existence shocked past times my physiological reaction to my son's crying--I would acquire as well as thence distressed I could hardly acquit on a conversation as well as my blood pressure level would rise. It was similar nails on a chalkboard.

I would practise anything to tending him halt crying.

We right away know that this reaction is non exactly novel mom craziness. It's genuinely a physiological reaction that all moms experience due to an interesting mix of hormones as well as encephalon chemistry.

I institute that the metro to raising happy kids is The Secret to Raising Happy Kids: Don't Focus on Happiness

Fast forrad a few years as well as nosotros larn that non every cry from our kid is every bit pressing every bit the next. By the fourth dimension they are toddlers, nosotros larn that sometimes they cry out of frustration or boredom. We start to realize that nosotros can't ever brand them "happy." We can't brand the tears halt past times exactly feeding or changing a diaper. They right away receive got bigger emotions that they postulate tending managing.

It was at this call for inwards my parenting journeying that I realized that maybe my child's "happiness" shouldn't fifty-fifty endure my finish inwards parenting. I slow started to realize that at that spot were around bigger emotional goals I had for my children than exactly happiness.

Related reading: Kids Emotional Intelligence: Why Low-Tech Skills are the Key to Success inwards a High-Tech World

The Lesson of the Old Boots

This see has stuck alongside me as well as came inwards handy the other twenty-four hr catamenia alongside my 8-year-old son. He was getting ready for schoolhouse on the showtime snowy twenty-four hr catamenia of the season. It came a chip early on this twelvemonth as well as I was non prepared alongside novel snowfall boots, gloves, etc. He started putting on concluding year's boots as well as they were a chip worse for vesture if y'all know what I mean. Some parts were torn as well as the strap didn't tighten besides every bit it should. He was getting to a greater extent than as well as to a greater extent than frustrated, complaining virtually how he needed novel boots. I explained that I was planning to acquire novel ones, but I exactly hadn't gotten to it yet. He was virtually to start to "lose it" when around other see popped into my mind.

Before fifty-fifty thinking virtually it much, I blurted out, "you know, around kids inwards the basis don't fifty-fifty receive got boots. They receive got to walk to schoolhouse inwards the snowfall alongside exactly regular shoes on."

Okay, I realize I exactly sounded similar my woman parent (or grandmother). The words exactly came pouring out of me earlier I fifty-fifty could visit them.

But...it worked! He settled down, position his boots on as well as went to schoolhouse quite nicely.

Find out the 5 Common Child Development Myths in this FREE cheat sheet. Download HERE.

Looking Beyond Happiness

"Why was this helpful to him?" I wondered. Then it hitting me. He didn't postulate for me to "fix" the province of affairs of the boots. He was erstwhile plenty as well as capable plenty to bargain alongside torn boots for i day. He needed me to hear his feelings as well as most importantly, he needed me to supply a context of meaning. By giving him around pregnant for his frustrations, I gave him an emotional coping strategy for his situation.

This is ultimately what parents do--we are the meaning-makers for our kids until they abide by ways to brand pregnant for themselves.

Now this province of affairs was modest as well as almost insignificant, but visit all the other situations that he mightiness confront inwards the hereafter that I volition non endure able to "fix": the showtime fourth dimension a lady friend breaks his heart, that fourth dimension he bombs a exam inwards college or that showtime chore that he doesn't land. Even if I had all the resources or connections inwards the world, I would non endure able to receive got away these struggles or moments of suffering.

Unlike when he was a baby, I can't "make" him happy past times stopping the source of his discomfort. The discomfort I experience because of his suffering is non easily pushed away either. This is why I quit making his happiness my principal goal. I started looking beyond happiness at around deeper emotional skills that volition serve him better.

H5N1 Hand to Hold

This reminds me of all those question articles I read spell working on my dissertation (I knew those would come upward inwards handy someday). I was working on a projection that studied how moms coped alongside divorce, as well as thence I read a lot of question on stress coping as well as meaning.

What nosotros meet is that one telephone commutation way people create out alongside stressful events is past times making around form of pregnant from it.

Most of this question focuses on real stressful life events similar divorce, death, or existence the victim of a fierce crime. But the lesson hither for smaller stressful events is the same--finding pregnant inwards our suffering is maybe i of the best coping strategies nosotros tin employ.

For parents what this way I think is that nosotros can't ever receive got away our children's suffering, but nosotros tin tending them abide by around pregnant inwards it. In other words, nosotros can't materials downwards their emotions--but nosotros tin concord their hands as well as walk beside them spell they walk through those hard emotions to abide by around peace on the other side.

Ultimately, meaning, non happiness, is the best gift nosotros tin give our children.